I'm finally living a life worth living. I have three handsome sons and a husband that would take on the world for me. All the trials I faced in the past seem like a distant memory. I overcame my depression from growing up in a broken home and moved past a shattered heart from my first love. It took time, but I made it through. Three knocks on my door. One surprise visit. One person, who I thought was gone forever. Nothing will be the same.
How do I move forward after receiving such life altering news? I know it won’t be easy, especially when the person who provided my strength is unable to claim that role. I have to claim it now, and stand on my own two feet. The need to give my children the life they deserve bears down on me, along with the need to stay true to my commitments of the past.
The darkness of my depression is threatening to swallow me whole. I have to pull myself through, but my heart is breaking, and it feels impossible to be the support system my children need me to be. Most days, I find it hard to let go of what things were, but then there’s this spark, this flicker of hope. A little light shining bright in the dark, and I feel like life is worth living again.
Maybe life has a way of leading you to where you were always meant to be.
Sneak peak from my current WIP Fight My Affections (unedited and subject to change)
My cheek is chaffing from being pressed against the rough weave of carpet. The slightest push to my head and it may leave rug burn on my face, but I don’t want evidence of tonight. I want to wake up tomorrow and forget the feel of his knee pressed into my back as he holds me to the floor. I want to wake up with no recollection of the burning in my muscles from him pulling my arms tight behind my back.
The room is quiet except for his breath against my ear, or the occasional whimper from my lips. I hate the sound of them. I hate that they make me sound weak and that he has the ability to hurt me. He was once my savior, my escape from all the bad. Now I realize how wrong I have been.
I thought I was doing better, not letting just any man into my life, but this man made it past all my defenses. I let him into parts of my life no other man has been. He met my daughter. She fell in love with him.
The warmth of his breath crosses my cheek. I can tell by the bitter smell, he’s been out with his friends, drinking expensive bottles of bourbon and puffing on cigars that cost more than my monthly rent. My eyes burn as I fight back the tears begging to be let free. I won’t let them win.
“You won’t make a fool of me Ri.” His voice is a low menacing tone.
His knee digs deeper into my back, and he tugs tighter on my hair before pulling my head back and away from the floor. “You are mine. Don’t you dare forget it.” His eyes are piercing as he focuses in on mine. Searching. Looking. Waiting.
I try to calm my erratic breathing before speaking a word. I don’t want him to know that he has the power to break me. I don’t want him to know that I fear him in this moment. I don’t want him to know that his assumptions are correct. I want him to believe the next words that leave my dry, cracked lips.
“I would never leave you.” My voice is a whisper, but it remains even. “I need you, and so does Kiley. We love you.”
He tugs on my arm, increasing the pain in my shoulder. It’s strained enough that I am afraid he might dislocate it. “Why am I hearing these things about you then Ri? I saw you with him and the way he looks at you.” His hand leaves my hair, and my face lowers to the floor. My skirt hugs my thighs, but it tears easily as he forcefully pushes it up to my waist.
My breath catches in my throat. “Wha…”
“Has he touched you?” His hand reaches down and cups me between my thighs. “Here. Has he had a taste of what is mine?”
I struggle to turn and face him, but it’s useless against his strength. I shake my head frantically. “No, I swear. Please.”
He grips me tightly and moves his hand forcefully against me. “I won’t give this up. It belongs to me. You belong to me.” He lowers his head again, painfully nipping my neck. His knee moves off of my back until he’s straddling me. His weight lifts and he rolls me until I’m on my back. “Do you understand?”
My heart is pounding, and my breath passes my lips in rapid succession. I look into his blue eyes; eyes that I used to find myself getting lost in. Now they are full of pain and anger. His jaw is covered in a five o’clock shadow, but the way it’s clenched is what really catches my attention. I’ve never seen him like this. His nostrils are flared, and his face is red. There is a building pressure inside of him, and I know if I don’t answer soon, he’s going to snap. I just can’t find my words in this moment.
“Do you understand?” He says, through gritted teeth.
I need to agree, but I don’t want to. I’ve loved this man, but things have changed. I realized I was just in love with the idea of being in love. He was the perfect catch. I search his eyes again, waiting for that spark. The one you feel when you share a deep connection with someone, but it’s not there. I shake my head slowly back and forth as my lips part to speak but I can’t form the words. Tears prick my eyes, and I can’t keep them at bay this time, and they roll out of the corner of my eyes.
He grunts in anger at my silence, and before I know what’s happening there’s pressure against my throat. I can’t breathe. My eyes go wide, and I take in the monster before me. Panic builds in my chest. I dig at his hands and arms trying to break free, but it’s no use. My legs kick and flail. This is not the man I know. He would never risk everything in a fit of anger. I have to get out of this. Please let me go. God, I can’t die like this. There’s a pressure building in my head from lack of air. I need my next breath.
“Mommy!” Kiley hollers from the steps.
In an instant, I’m gasping for air. The harsh ragged sounds of my deep inhale of breath fills the room. It seems like an hour goes by before my breathing evens out to a normal rhythm. I roll over onto my hands and knees, silently thanking my daughter for never listening when I send her to bed.
Do you recall how your interest in writing originated?
I can remember writing short stories as a child but stopped writing once I entered my teens. I feel like I’ve always had conversations and voices in my head. It wasn’t until about four years ago that the voices made sense and called out for their stories to be told. Once I typed my characters first words, their voices took over completely and lead the way.
Do you remember the first book you read?
I don’t remember the first book I ever read but I do remember the first book that ever stuck with me, Truman Capote’s In Cold Blood. It was the first book I can remember not being able to put down and I can still remember how his words made me feel.
Is there a message in your novel that you want readers to grasp?
Love, heartache and drama are part of everyone’s life. It’s how you handle life’s situations that really mean something. I hope that readers can relate to Reagan in the first two books and know that we don’t always know everything right away. Sometimes it takes growth, love and understanding to really love yourself and feel confident in the life you have chosen for yourself.
If any of your books was made into a film who would you like to play the lead?
This is a tough one for me to answer. I’ve never really thought about my books being adapted into film. Plus I’m terrible with remembering actor’s names.
Do you have a blog/website? If so what is it?